It must be summer. Because I just went on a bro-out of epic proportions, picking up a trio of movies that you'll see reviewed here shortly, the first of which was a truly unfortunate choice that will sit in infamy next to UP! on my DVD shelf for years to come...
There's one great moment in the entire 128-minute runtime of xXx (which, let's face it, is probably one more than we should reasonably expect). It's not the part where Vin Diesel co-opts a silver tray and uses it as a skateboard. It's not the part where he jumps through a barb wire fence by turning his motorcycle sideways in mid-air. It's not even the part where where he destroys an entire mountain and snowboards in front of an avalanche. It's where Vin Diesel confesses that he's a secret agent working for the NSA - and Asia Argento just laughs in his face. For a good twenty seconds.
And really, that's the only appropriate reaction to Rob Cohen's Bond-for-the-twentieth-century failure. To laugh in its face.
If the failings of the Bond franchise were that it were too childish, with its invisible remote control cars and cartoonish characters, then the failing of xXx is that it's painfully adolescent, zits and angry half-formed thoughts and all. At least the Bond films' childish nature contains a sort of innocent fantasy element, but xXx substitutes this for a fuck-my-parents-The-Ramones-are-awesome kind of attitude, which, while potentially refreshing, certainly lacks charm.
Vin Diesel's been good before (BOILER ROOM, anyone?) but here he's more than happy to lower his voice and glower menacingly and let the Rammstein soundtrack do most of his work for him. There's potential in the idea of the non-traditional secret agent, but the film is never quite sure who he is, and the audience is never really sure why he's helping the government. He just ends up coming off like a hypocrite, who loves to stick it to The Man but will also help out if it means he can drive around in The Man's GTO and shoot The Man's nifty tranq darts.
Speaking of hypocrites, I am one. Because the exact same character flaws exist with Asia Argento's Yelena, and I couldn't care less, because she is flat-out stunning. Rob Cohen's best choice in this movie was to outift Ms. Argento with a variety of thigh-high boots, and for that, he will have the 16 year-old me's eternal thanks. The less said about his other choice, to have every fifth shot be a Dutched angle, the better.
But still, it's better than STEALTH.
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