I'd Rather Have Pie

SPEED RACER and Why You're Never Too Old for Halloween

Film criticism can be, as Kriss Kross would put it, whickity-whickity-whack. I think there's a valid place for commentary and dialogue, but assigning a numerical value to a film's quality? Why not assign foods (THE DARK KNIGHT was clearly a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios) or holidays (VALENTINE'S DAY = Remembrance Day) to a film?

With that atrociously half-hearted segue, I'd like to posit that SPEED RACER is clearly the Halloween of movies. It's a big, fun kid's movie all dressed up in bright colours and running on pure sugar. There are no less than three scenes about the joy of candy. If you can handle the head rush from the compositing and overwhelming visual palette, you'll find a film about the joys of family and coming home. It's almost exactly like the joy of abandoning the cold of those October nights, emptying the pillowcases, and sorting the candy into chocolate and gummy bowls.

The majority of the Wachowski's last film is rooted in childlike joy and innocence, but the finale is downright orgasmic, a stunning ten minutes of film that sweeps you up in an emotional swell and release the likes of which I've rarely seen. So on second thought, it's like what Halloween becomes: where it's less about some house handing out full-size Twix bars and more about finding a hot Spock to lose your hobbit cloak with (so to speak). Or maybe it's both at once, a combination of Halloweens past and present.

Waking up the next morning, cookie crumbs down the front of your shirt, chocolate smeared on your fingertips, and a used condom hanging over your wastebasket, you might be inclined to feel a little shame. And I think that's what must have happened to the numerous critics who destroyed the film with merciless reviews upon it's release. Many of them derided the film as juvenile, frenetic, and only appealing to 12 year-olds, sounding like jilted lovers bemoaning a lack of commitment. The critics doth protest too much, methinks.

Now, I can admit to myself that I'm a cinematic slut. And while SPEED RACER didn't make me that way, I can enjoy our two hours together. I can even overlook that monkey.