The PAUL Dating Quiz

First things first: this isn't my magazine. It was given to me to review, and I'm a professional, so I'll do it.

I mean, I did already have a copy of it. Technically, it's mine. I bought it. But I don't do it regularly. I don't subscribe or anything. I could say I saw it lying open at a doctor's office, and I flipped a few pages to pass the time, or that it's my girlfriend's, but those would be lies.

My girlfriend? Oh, she's been in the Andromeda sector for years, you can't meet her.

The truth is, I like doing the quizzes.

Small side-note: I would advise you to skip pages 23-29, as the article on the sexual lives of Gamorreans was a little too in-depth for me.

But yes, the quizzes! Is there anything more limitless than a woman's health magazine quiz? Other than the universe, I mean. Ba-doom! Ching! They're great! You can find out if you have low zero-G aptitudes, what spacesuits are best for you, and that always-popular "are you a bitch?" one they seem to recycle every three months. And the best part is, they're always multiple choice! You can't lose, because if you don't like the result, you can just pick a slightly different catty response and become a completely different person!

Although, this cycle's quiz was a bit of a doozy. A real lack of imagination in the available responses.


I mean, Apple? Who would name their child after those monsters? Why not just name your baby Space Holocaust, or Starbuck?

Listen up, COSMIC: we expect better quizzes. I want to indulge in my multiple personalities with rampant glee, so smarten up. You've been put on notice. Hell, just give me the "are you a bitch" thing. Stick with what you know.

Brandon Forsyth blogs from the centre of the Douglas Black Hole. Readers are advised to send comments and criticisms via electronic mail, as lightmail is highly ineffective at this location. COSMIC 32467.2 will be on newstands and hololounges starting Monday, unless there was a miscalculation with the chronocalculator, in which case, we apologize, it won't be published for another 1000 years.