The Most Ballin' Movie Ever

This is not an article about the greatest movie ever made. I want that to be clear. The word 'best' will not be mentioned once. Well, maybe a few times. But not next to the word 'movie'. This isn't about the most involving screenplay, or the most revealing performance, or the most breathtaking cinematography.

This is about ballin'. Like a beast.

From Urban Dictionary:
ballin' like a BEAST!!!
submitted by j-rob mad fresh
to ball so hard that all the foos who say they ballers get banged out one punch by your awesomeness.

Word, J-Rob Mad Fresh, word.

So what film would best (damn it) define that description? Certainly not CITIZEN KANE. Well, maybe. But KANE seems to lack a certain swagger that ballin' implies. Ditto to GONE WITH THE WIND. GODFATHER PART II seems a little too reserved, scholarly, even, to take the title. BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN? Dude, don't be Uxbridge.

The most ballin' movie of all time is clearly THE SOUND OF MUSIC.


Yes, that THE SOUND OF MUSIC. Don't player-hate (please note the hyphen) because I'm chillin' like a bird. Have you ever seen THE SOUND OF MUSIC? Shit is like jetskis on water.

Okay, we've had enough fun with J-Rob Mad Fresh. But my point remains. There are many words one could choose to describe THE SOUND OF MUSIC, including 'delightful', 'heartwarming', and possibly even 'resonant', but all of these adjectives fail to describe just how badass this movie is. THE SOUND OF MUSIC is straight-up ballin' like a beast.

Now, I'm not sure J-Rob Mad Fresh would immediately approve of his phrase being bandied about like this. But let's examine the evidence. Most films that would aim at the coveted 'Most Ballin'' trophy could be separated into two categories: films that take on morality, and films that take on pure evil.

Take THE GODFATHER PART II, or HEAT, or FIGHT CLUB. These can all be put firmly into the "take on morality" category, and are great films, to be sure. They question our rights and responsibilities, delve into criminality, and question the ethics and values of our culture. They're often morally ambiguous and force you to think about your perspective on those issues. They're ballin' because they question the very essence of life.

On the other hand, you have films like INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS, END OF DAYS, or 12 ANGRY MEN. These films are ballin' because they look evil in the eye and then punch that eye out through the back of evil's skull. They're often criticized by lovers of the first category as being morally simplistic or unrealistic, but if one accepts that there is such a thing as wrong, these films contain a courage just as ballin' as the former.

So, the question emerges: what's more ballin'? Playing chicken with the Devil, or the courage to defy God? The answer is, it doesn't matter, because THE SOUND OF MUSIC does both. Or, more accurately, Captain Von Trapp does.

I think when I say ballin', I'm talking about male role models. All of the films I've mentioned above contain strong male leads who bring an interesting package of masculine traits with them, whether it be Schwarzenegger's strength, DeNiro's codes of honour, or Henry Fonda's moral centre. But none of these guys have anything on Captain Von Trapp's package.

In THE SOUND OF MUSIC, the evil parallels are pretty obvious. There's no better cinematic equivalent for Evil than those pesky Nazis, and, oh boy, does THE SOUND OF MUSIC have some great Nazis. Like rapists, they roll into the virgin green hills of Austria with their red armbands and shiny black boots, then ask Von Trapp to help them or say goodbye to his lovely children. What does he do? Refuses every single one of their demands, kicks them in the shins and then, on his way out the door, gives them a song to remember him by. Take that, you nefarious evil-doers!

But Captain Von Trapp is no sycophantic worshiper at the altar of Good, though. Oh, no. No, he's more on the full-blown heretical side of things there. You see, he steals God's wife. Yeah, remember that whole thing about Maria being a nun? Von Trapp is like, "Fuck that. I'm going to steal this woman from Jesus, right after I tell Hitler to go screw himself, and then we're going to live happily ever after. I might even bang out six or seven more kids. Just try to stop me."

And that's why THE SOUND OF MUSIC is the most ballin' film of all time. Because Captain Von Trapp beats God and the Devil. Now that's ballin' like a beast. He also wears mad fresh sheep, too. J-Rob Mad Fresh would be proud. I know I am.