I'd Rather Have Pie

SPEED RACER and Why You're Never Too Old for Halloween

Film criticism can be, as Kriss Kross would put it, whickity-whickity-whack. I think there's a valid place for commentary and dialogue, but assigning a numerical value to a film's quality? Why not assign foods (THE DARK KNIGHT was clearly a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios) or holidays (VALENTINE'S DAY = Remembrance Day) to a film?

With that atrociously half-hearted segue, I'd like to posit that SPEED RACER is clearly the Halloween of movies. It's a big, fun kid's movie all dressed up in bright colours and running on pure sugar. There are no less than three scenes about the joy of candy. If you can handle the head rush from the compositing and overwhelming visual palette, you'll find a film about the joys of family and coming home. It's almost exactly like the joy of abandoning the cold of those October nights, emptying the pillowcases, and sorting the candy into chocolate and gummy bowls.

The majority of the Wachowski's last film is rooted in childlike joy and innocence, but the finale is downright orgasmic, a stunning ten minutes of film that sweeps you up in an emotional swell and release the likes of which I've rarely seen. So on second thought, it's like what Halloween becomes: where it's less about some house handing out full-size Twix bars and more about finding a hot Spock to lose your hobbit cloak with (so to speak). Or maybe it's both at once, a combination of Halloweens past and present.

Waking up the next morning, cookie crumbs down the front of your shirt, chocolate smeared on your fingertips, and a used condom hanging over your wastebasket, you might be inclined to feel a little shame. And I think that's what must have happened to the numerous critics who destroyed the film with merciless reviews upon it's release. Many of them derided the film as juvenile, frenetic, and only appealing to 12 year-olds, sounding like jilted lovers bemoaning a lack of commitment. The critics doth protest too much, methinks.

Now, I can admit to myself that I'm a cinematic slut. And while SPEED RACER didn't make me that way, I can enjoy our two hours together. I can even overlook that monkey.

Ten More Intriguing Questions Than "Who Is SALT?"

Columbia Pictures chose to market their summer would-be blockbuster SALT with the tagline, "Who Is Salt?" in some sort of attempt to virally intrigue me into a search for the source of Gandhi's power. There was also the ill-advised "Day X Exists", which of course contained the implied question, "How many shoulders can one tagline shrug?" But much like an e-mail telling me about those stamps I ordered, simply ignoring these questions seemed much easier. In that spirit, I humbly present these ten questions, which I feel would do a much better job at intriguing me (or at least offend me) into watching SALT:

1) Why has Chiwetel Ejiofor continued to not change his name?

2) Wouldn't Burt Blackwell be a much better name for him?

3) No?

4) Would you greenlight a pitch that consisted of the words "THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE meets Bruce Willis' THE JACKAL"? Then fuck you, pal.

5) Is it possible that Philip Noyce, the once-great director of fare like THE QUIET AMERICAN and CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER, but is now the guy you call when you're the pilot of TRU CALLING, reached an all-new career low?

6) And if so, is it possible to get lower?

7) Has an actor ever slept throughout the entirety of a film shoot, as Liev Schreiber appears to be in every single frame of SALT?

8) If so, why doesn't he look healthier?

9) Was he not eating or something?

10) I mean, dude looks like a skeleton. Couldn't we have put an IV in him while he was hibernating or whatever?

Marketing firms, I am available on a consultation basis. Holla at ya boi.

A Tale of Three ROBIN HOODs

The title of this blog is, as you may observe, Tony Scott's Only Fan. As such, I find myself obligated to follow a sort of self-mandated mission statement of sorts, which consists of the following three general guidelines:

1) Acknowledge Tony Scott's awesomeness at all times.

2) Work in as many references to Tony's extended filmography as humanly possible.

3) Viciously attack Ridley Scott as an overrated hack, so that one day in the distant future someone will say, "Oh, Tony Scott's brother?" when discussing the director of ALIEN, BLADE RUNNER, and 1492: CONQUEST OF PARADISE.

Which brings us to ROBIN HOOD, Ridley's regrettable attempt to work once again in the historical film genre. To adequately present my disdain for the film, I give you the following compare-and-contrast chart between Ridley's ROBIN HOOD, the 1973 Disney take, and Mel Brooks' ROBIN HOOD: MEN IN TIGHTS.

	Robin Hood (‘73)	Men In Tights	Robin Hood (‘10)
Portrayal of Robin Hood	Precocious fox with a death wish – the clear winner	Cary Elwes – mostly reacting to things and grimacing.	Russell Crowe, mumbling and generally unkempt
Historical Accuracy	Who gives a fuck when it’s this entertaining? Plus there’s that whole minstrel rooster thing to add a subjective cop-out	Dave Chappelle playing a man with rights, freedoms	Who gives a fuck when it’s this boring?
Soundtrack	“Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day”	Mel Brooks-written raps	Marc Streitenfeld doing a passable Hans Zimmer impression
Most Memorable Line	“It appears that I now have an outlaw for an inlaw”	“King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!”	“Rise and rise, until lambs become lions”
Most Disturbing Moment	Cross-dressing bear stuffs money into bra, encourages cat-calls.	Cross-dressing Robert Downey Jr. lookalike moving fake breast around on chest.	When I paid $4.50 to see this, then another $3 in late fees.
Maid Marion	A fox who plays badminton – TOO SOON.	Is Peggy from THE MASK.	Cate Blanchett, since it is in her contract to play these roles.
Merry Men	Very few to be seen, other than a bunch of kids that tag along and are given lethal weapons by Robin.	Chorus line drunkards – probably the most accurate portrayal.	Not really any to be seen, unless you want to count that kid wearing a rabbit on his face.
Coherent Political Philosophy?	Borderline anarchist – Robin appears to like King Richard, but despise most of the principles of government	None on evidence.	Main belief appears to be “Everyone can unite against the French”, but there’s also some token equality-of-men stuff.
Burning Castles?	Hells yes!	Sadly, no.	Does a drawbridge count?
Bryan Adams?	No	Nope	No, but there is that dude from Great Big Sea.
Most Badass Moment of Archery	Splitting one arrow with another	Sadly misguided attempt at missile defence commentary combined with an attempt to explain where The Wave came from.	Ummm… he shoots a guy in the back? OH, BUT IN SLOW MOTION.
The Bottom Line	Gets the Robin Hood mythos	The best jokes are from other Mel Brooks movies	Is not, in fact, the Robin Hood mythos and tells a story no one wants to see.

Opinion Stated As Fact: Tony Scott Makes CITIZEN KANE Better

Here's the obligatory "CITIZEN KANE is awesome" post on a film blog. In my defence, it did take me over four months to get here, but I will try to get this out of the way as quickly as possible.

Similar to my RAGING BULL post a while ago, I think the easiest way to do this is just to post a few pictures of how beautiful this film is:

I could go into a whole thing about depth of field and American mythmaking, but the truth is, all of those reasons are secondary to why CITIZEN KANE is a classic.

CITIZEN KANE is a classic because it fucks with the most powerful man in the world and gets away with it. It would be like if next week's HAWAII FIVE-O was about Scott Caan, that cunning investigator of human nature, opening a cold case about a missing kid, only to realize that the kid became a drug runner, fled the island, and grew up to become the President of the United States. That's crazy, possibly litigious (although Rupert Murdoch, that Kane of our times, is looking into it), and would never be allowed to happen. But somehow CITIZEN KANE did happen.

And RKO 281, a made-for-HBO movie, makes the story of how CITIZEN KANE came to be extremely compelling. Liev Schreiber plays Orson Welles, and unlike his recent performance in SALT, he appears to be awake during almost all of the scenes of the film. He turns in an actual performance that appears to bring depth and emotion to a human character. His Welles is alternately proud, brilliant, self-conscious, and obsessed with his legacy. It's actually fairly impressive work for any actor, but for Liev, it's particularly surprising.

James Cromwell is on the flipside of this coin as William Randolph Hearst, the publishing magnate that the character of Kane was supposedly based on, and the man who tried to destroy the film. It's quite a sympathetic portrayal, which is surprising, given the power and influence he wielded. John Malkovich turns in a great performance as the similarly-surnamed Herman Mankiewicz, the forgotten man in all of CITIZEN KANE's greatness, and Roy Scheider shows up as the studio boss of RKO. All in all, it's a swell cast. The script moves along at a nice pace and things never feel too biopic-y.

Oh, and did I mention that Tony Scott was an Executive Producer on this? That's how he makes arguably the greatest film of all time even better.