Columbia Pictures chose to market their summer would-be blockbuster SALT with the tagline, "Who Is Salt?" in some sort of attempt to virally intrigue me into a search for the source of Gandhi's power. There was also the ill-advised "Day X Exists", which of course contained the implied question, "How many shoulders can one tagline shrug?" But much like an e-mail telling me about those stamps I ordered, simply ignoring these questions seemed much easier. In that spirit, I humbly present these ten questions, which I feel would do a much better job at intriguing me (or at least offend me) into watching SALT:
1) Why has Chiwetel Ejiofor continued to not change his name?
2) Wouldn't Burt Blackwell be a much better name for him?
3) No?
4) Would you greenlight a pitch that consisted of the words "THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE meets Bruce Willis' THE JACKAL"? Then fuck you, pal.
5) Is it possible that Philip Noyce, the once-great director of fare like THE QUIET AMERICAN and CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER, but is now the guy you call when you're the pilot of TRU CALLING, reached an all-new career low?
6) And if so, is it possible to get lower?
7) Has an actor ever slept throughout the entirety of a film shoot, as Liev Schreiber appears to be in every single frame of SALT?
8) If so, why doesn't he look healthier?
9) Was he not eating or something?
10) I mean, dude looks like a skeleton. Couldn't we have put an IV in him while he was hibernating or whatever?
Marketing firms, I am available on a consultation basis. Holla at ya boi.
