Hi Topher Grace!
How ya doin' buddy? It's been a while. Man, remember when we used to hang out on THAT '70'S SHOW? Those were good times. Remember when people used to say shortening your name from Christopher to Topher was fucking retarded? And why couldn't you be like every other Christopher on the planet and go by Chris? You stuck to your guns on that one, and you sure showed them wrong, bud. Wow. Talk about a nostalgia trip. Probably one of those things that's best left in the past, to be honest, but hey, we had fun while it happened, right?
But then, hey, remember when you pulled that amorality-of-youth thing in Steven Soderbergh's TRAFFIC? That was freaking awesome, dude. Really a game-changer, to be honest. I don't think anyone was expecting Eric Foreman to be ... well, such a dick. But I mean that in a good way. You were going to be one of the young up and coming actors to watch, along with your TRAFFIC co-star, Erika Christensen, who promptly went and made SWIMFAN, THE BANGER SISTERS, and FLIGHTPLAN (making this the second worst trio of films made by an actor named Christensen).
You played it smart, though - you kept on good terms with Soderbergh and pulled out hilarious cameos in OCEAN'S ELEVEN and OCEAN'S TWELVE. And I've never seen P.S., but apparently you were really good in that, too. I'll be honest, IN GOOD COMPANY looked like it was shit, but hey, old people love Dennis Quaid, right? I guess it could have been a smart career move.
But look man, the real reason I wanted to talk to you today was the last couple of films you've done. I don't really want to get into SPIDER-MAN 3 - I think the Internet was pretty much created to hate that movie, and enough time has been spent on talking about why it was so bad - but suffice it to say, while it may not be all your fault, you did nothing to help matters. Deciding to play Eddie Brock/Venom as a snivelling whiner who relishes his newfound power was just a little on the acne-tipped nose. And hey, I know it couldn't have been your idea to have the Venom mask coming off all the time, but did you have to be sneering every time it did?
I'm sorry man, I promised I wasn't going to do this. You know I hate to hit you baby, so don't make me. It's just - you helped ruin Spider-Man. That's pretty capital, sir. And yeah, I know I gave you the cold shoulder after that, but I figured that was probably for the best. I was just giving us a little break, so we could let time go to work and heal those wounds.
But I never gave up on you. I knew you could return to the glory of Foremans-and-drug-fiends-past. So when I heard you were starring in the Robert Rodriguez-scripted PREDATORS, I got excited. Well, maybe not excited. But intrigued, definitely intrigued. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I thought, "Hey, it's been a couple of years - people change, right?"
Well, you screwed me on that one, Grace. Again, I know you can't be completely to blame for PREDATORS' third act, but damn, do you do nothing to stop its train wreck. For the first hour or so, Rodriguez had actually managed to convince me he was trying to do a true sequel to the ruthless and uncompromising pace of the original PREDATOR. And I thought you were trying to do something new with the comedic support role.
But oh no, y'all had to go and decide to add DEXTER to the world of Predator. Hey, here's a funny story: no one, in the history of the world since PREDATOR came out, has watched PREDATOR and thought, "Yeah, OK I guess. What really would have taken this to classic-level status was a sneaky serial-killer type" or watched DEXTER and thought, "Yeah, along with some more of the overly-written narration, what if Dexter teamed up with some aliens to hunt people?"
NO.
NO.
NO.
You got it all wrong.
So, Grace, let me leave you with this parting rhyming couplet:
Topher/
It's over.
And your name is fucking Chris.
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