VALENTINE'S DAY: By The Numbers

I once jokingly referred to VALENTINE'S DAY as the Remembrance Day of movies.


I had no idea how right I was.

I worked in a movie theatre during VALENTINE'S DAY's theatrical release, and on the day in question, a huge fight broke out between two ladies over a seat dispute. There was name-calling and hair-pulling, and an eventual escorting of people from the theatre. Ever since then, I've been intrigued to discover if VALENTINE'S DAY had the sort of power that could compel two rational people to fight over a seat.

Well, those people were just idiots. This is a miserable excuse of a movie, all the ideas stolen from other, better films. So in the spirit of the script of VALENTINE'S DAY, allow me to break down the film by the numbers, Erin Brockovich style!

-1
the number of times I would watch VALENTINE'S DAY again.

0
the number of lines Ashton Kutcher is able to deliver with emotional sincerity.

1
the number of times VALENTINE'S DAY surprised me.

2 for 1
the deal the production seemed to score on Roberts actresses.

4
the number of times I considered just watching LOVE, ACTUALLY instead.

8
the number of times the words "I hate Valentine's Day" are spoken or written in the film. At least. But wait - how many times are the actors actually saying "I hate VALENTINE'S DAY"? These are the questions your brain ponders to help you make it through the film.

10
the number of years that the Taylors, Mr. Lautner and Ms. Swift, should be sentenced to some sort of acting prison for their incredibly irritating performances. Each.

90
the number of minutes I thought this film would last.

122
the actual excruciating number of minutes this film lasted.