I think we can all agree that, in general, the genre of spoof film is in a tired state. The Scary Movie series (the definition of tired). Meet the Spartans (yes, that is THE WIRE and Wu-Tang alum Method Man). Not Another _____ Movie (which is one of the first series to start the trend of having the title mimic your reaction to finding out about it). Not since I watched a massive load of ejaculate plaster Anna Faris to a ceiling while sitting next to my dad have I felt so ashamed to watch a spoof. And we all know who to blame. It may not be pleasant to turn on one of our own, but it's something we have to do. Mr. Michael Meyers, please step to the stand.
Mr. Myers, you have been called here today to be judged. Not so much for what you've done, but more for what you haven't done. But we'll get to that in a moment.
But first, let me set the scene of the crime: the summer of 1997. A muggy summer, the kind of heat that gets into a man's soul; makes him crazy, drives him to the dark, lonely corners of his mind. Not to say your intentions were anything but pure when you released AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY into the world that fateful summer, but as we have so often seen in our history, the noblest of intentions have a way of twisting us, perverting us from what we started as.
Now, I'll admit it: I liked your spoof. You distilled the essence of Bondian intrigues and combined it with terrifying puns, Seth Green at his wise-assiest, and Elizabeth Hurley. In my defense, I was eleven years old. I had just finished writing a James Bond movie with my brother where the main villain had swords for arms and was called Dangerhands (still awesome, IMHO) But I'm not on trial here, Myers, you are!
No one could really blame you when you released the sequel. I mean, you hadn't touched on the outrageousness of hollowed-out volcano bases and midget henchmen yet. So I got it. The commentary wasn't complete yet. But there were also a few, um, troubling inclusions. I don't know what the fuck Fat Bastard was supposed to comment on, but every single time I think of him I want to strap you to the electric chair myself and throw the switch.
But the third one ... well, to be honest. I don't remember much about the third one. Whether it was through the rarely-heard-about benefits of some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder, or a conscious attempt on my part to subjugate the memories of the film through sheer willpower, everything about those ninety minutes remains gauzy. I do remember you co-opted cameos from Steven Spielberg, Tom Cruise, and Britney Spears, in the sure-fire mark of a tapped-out well of ideas. Oh God, Beyoncé was in it too, wasn't she? Jesus Christ, the memories are coming back...
The less mentioned about The Love Guru, the better. For everyone. That list looks like the goddamned docket for a Nuremberg courtroom in 1945.
Mr. Myers, the charges are simple: you ruined the spoof film. And you have not apologized.
So when I see hilarious scenes like this in a movie like BLACK DYNAMITE, there's a sour after-taste. I want to think about Zucker-Abrams-Zucker and the awesomeness of a spoof film with a point and story of it's own, but I can't help but flash back to this kind of shit.
Mr. Myers, all you have to do is apologize. And then maybe we'll get into reparations. In the meantime, we'll always have Mel Brooks.
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