A TSOF Exclusive: The Secret of Michael Bay (THE ROCK Review)

First off, let me apologize for the lengthy time between reviews. You may have heard that I was absolutely swamped at work, but that was just misinformation I spread to keep the hounds off my tail. Secretly, I've been working on a piece of investigative journalism so explosive it might blow the lid off the Internet. That's right: a lidless Internet. Imagine.

For years, Michael Bay has been a favourite whipping boy of the lidded Net, with his cocaine-fuelled, spatially-confusing, character-less messes like BAD BOYS, PEARL HARBOR, and THE ISLAND. But there was always one film that could seemingly redeem Mr. Bay from any of these disasters: THE ROCK.

THE ROCK may well be a masterpiece (or at least the folks at Criterion seem to think so), but one was forced to wonder how a man who could construct moments like this could also be responsible for dreck like this. Thanks to my sources in the greater Cali area, I present you with damning proof of how THE ROCK was possible, and perhaps why he has never risen to such heights again: